Smile and Lie

So, I found an amazing site that is ridiculously helpful. Its theknot.com. Clever. They have all these little tools. I enjoy them alot.

Right now we are working on a guest list. I feel like we are easily going to hit 200 people. I noticed that about 150 people were just family. So if you think about friends and their significant others and what not, you easily get to 200. Gah. We also have to figure out where the cutoff will be. I don't want to invite random people who I hardly ever talk to and have had little impact on my life but I know my parents and his parents will have other ideas. Sheesh. I don't know how I feel about that yet. I think I'll feel terrified when we talk about the budget and location.

FUN.

So the party went amazing. Alot of people ended up not showing at the last minute but that didn't matter because the ones that did show up meant the world to me. I had so much fun. So that last couple of days have been crazy.

On Thursday night, I get this random text from my uncle saying he's in rochester and he wanted to know if they could visit. At this point I am making dinner, changing into PJ, relaxing. So I am trying to figure out what to say and what they know and they don't know. Then, I hear the door bell ring a bigillion times. Matt and I look at each other and know instantly that its my mom with her brother's family and my grandmother. We put on better cloths, run around and clean, pick up. I go to the door and my mom says, "Your Nani Jaan (grandmother) and Mamou's (Uncle) family are in the car, can we come in?" . I'm like do they know I'm engaged to Matthew. She says yes, then I say yes. SO I go, well yea they can come in. Being a mom and all, she goes "well aren't you going to invite them in?" I go oh yea, let me go get my shoes and I'll come out and invite them in. I do that, they come and stay for like what felt like 5 minutes but we later realized was an hour. My mom invites us over and I initially say no because I have work.

Then after they leave, Matt goes we can, we were invited into YOUR parents house, we can and skip work. This is big, this is really big. So we call Matt's parents and Nick because we need second opinion from people who know the whole situation. They both say get out of work and go because this is big. So, Matthew calls my uncle through my phone to talk to my mom and says we would love to come if we can come together. My mom is like duh yes.

On Friday we go over early in the morning, when my dad isn't around because he still isn't okay with the situation. My mom just invites us in and says let me make you breakfast. It was like nothing happened and we are all the best of friends again. It felt like I was in this dream except that in the past 3 years, I could never even imagine this scenario. My mom gave me cloths and jewelry that she wanted me to wear to the engagement party. They all gave me presents. My mom said that they couldn't come because they had made plans to go down to South Carolina already. Yet they seemed like they wanted to be there.

After that, we left and hung out with Genny. I love Genny. We swam around in her parent's pool. Her room mate Jason came over later. He is pretty cool, a bit weird but cool. I felt bad because he thought he was invited to the engagement party but we met him like a month ago and I wasn't really ready to be inviting him to parties to meet our closest family and friends. I felt bad about that. But part of me felt like we should have invited him because we were at his dad's cabin on the beach with the fireworks when the whole proposal thing happened. We didn't really tell him about it then. Then we had a lot of running around to move tables and chairs from a church to our home.

We went grocery shopping and what not. Then people came and it was fun. I enjoyed the company we had. I will enjoy sending pictures of wedding stuff to all these people in the next few months. It was cool because people got me thinking about where I wanted the wedding, what kind of traditions I wanted to keep going and what ones I never will understand. I got talking about wedding dresses and cloths I want Matt to wear. We talked about outdoor weddings/indoor weddings. Ceremonies at interfaith chapels, receptions,etc. So I feel like I got lots of help for the next couple of months. :)

I just hope I can get alot of people together for the wedding.

Now the next thing in line is Matt's Cousing Peter Letteney's wedding with Jessica Guggenheim. We have to figure out how to get down the Philly and presents and clothes and whatnot. I can't wait to go to an American Wedding. It will give me ideas. I've been to about a dozen desi weddings. So, this will be a good tutorial, maybe I should take a little notebook to write down cool ideas.

Oh a cool idea that Nick gave us was Custom Bubble Bottles instead of Rice. I like it!

Anyother good ideas are welcomed. :)

My life has been nothing close to traditional in any sense of the word in any culture. I am always making it up as I go along, as most people do. So I don't plan on making this wedding or anything following or preceding the wedding to be tradition. There will be certain things I do and do not want at my wedding. Its going to piss some people off and upset others but they will have to fucking deal with it or just not come because its my wedding. We are spending the money for you to eat off of us, so stop bitching. For example, I don't want an open bar at my wedding. I don't want alcohol what so ever at my wedding. I want people to remember my special day and not be in a drunken stupor. And above all, I do not want to drink in front of minors and I will expect minors to be there. I want my family to be comfortable with coming and they won't come if there is alcohol, since they are strict muslims. I will have a mehndi night as well as a bridal shower. All will be welcome, and people have to get over the awkwardness of not know what to do at another traditional foreign ceremony. At a mehndi, you will dress up in bright colors, put henna on each other, dance and sing the night away, and offer sweets and money to bride aka me! At the bridal shower, you will come with presents and advice for marriage, you will eat overpriced appetizers and small lunch, you will participate in bridal shower games. Just so everyone is clear. I really want to have a combined bachelor/bachelorette party, maybe wine tasting or something cool like that. I don't know if I want bridesmaids or maid of honors and Matthew has not choosen a Best Man or groomsmen. I want everyone to be equals in this shindig. There are certain people I want at this wedding and certain people I don't want that are very close to the people that I want at my wedding. If I have to put out a list of people banned at my wedding, I will. And worst of all, I am sick of hearing "I better be invited to this wedding". It annoys me enough to not invite them. Ok, that is my rant of wedding plans for today. The more I talk to people about planning this wedding, the more I figure out what I want and splurt my guts like this every night.

In the development of my family, I don't know what is going on with my mom and brother with my dad. My mom wants to go down to South Carolina again. It sounds like my mom and dad got into another fight. I feel like I caused it but I will never know. I really want my mom and brother to come to my engagement party, even its for 10 minutes. It will be the world to me. Well actually my family coming to my wedding will be the world to me but this would mean alot to me too. I have been talking back and forth with my brother. He seems to be more worried about whether or not he should go with mom down to SC or stay with dad at home. I keep pestering him with questions about coming to my engagement party and he deflects. God, my whole family is so good with that. I guess thats where i learned it from in the first place.

I don't know, maybe things will figure itself out in a few days. Whatever happens, We all have to have fun. :)

I have been trying to get this ball rolling to take classes at MCC at a minimal cost, since I don't like spending money. I applied like 3 weeks ago, maybe even 4. Then I was working on financial aid, going to school part time. I have submitted paperwork almost everyday since I started this financial aid mission. I feel like they are bottomless pit where you drop paperwork and everything just falls through to a dark place no one has ever heard of before.

My financial aid is different as well. I am not a dependent on my parents for past obvious reasons (which if you don't know about, you don't belong on this page, you belong a different page with a long explanation). I have to convince them that my parents don't smother me with their millions. You would think it wouldn't be hard being that I pay bills with money I earned, I walk or ride a bus almost everywhere, I have a huge apartment with nothing in it, and I buy cheap. Oh yea, there is the whole filing taxes as a independent, not dependent. GIVE ME A FREAKIN BREAK!

ok. So, I have an adventure tomorrow and thursday to sort this out. I love how I am spending my days off making MCC listen to me.

Wish me luck!

In other news, I am scared about things falling through for the engagement party, mostly because Matthew scared me with news that Tables and Chairs won't be available. *Gasp* Whats the worse that can happen, oh yea the food doesn't come, there is no where to sit, no cake, i'm ugly, matt's ugly, and there are 30 people in my home hungry. *Audience Laughs* We'll order pizzas, we'll run out and get ice cream bars from the conveniance store, and we mingle and laugh the night away, oh yea and we can never be ugly. :)

I must be clinically Bi-Polar or just amazing.

Ok, its the last week. A month ago, it felt like this was so far away but now its the last dash. We've the got caterer. Its Thali of Indian, order mild food, don't want people to turn away from food. Its a bit cliche for my case but we wanted to something cheap and simple. We have tables and chairs. We have figured out the set up of the apartment to accommodate what looks like 25 people. I still am iffy about whether or not to invite certain people, mostly people who seem to have become my best friend in like a day. I think I will hold off and see if these magical mystical relationships last, or are they just people showing their good face for a free ride and some good times on my behest.

Mom and Dad are getting the cake. Its awesome that they offered. They are doing so much as it is. They are saints and my personal blessing. I can't wait to be officially part of their family.

I've decided there is plenty of time to decide wedding party. We figured out that wedding should be best around Labor Day next year. Yet that is not set in stone. It depends on where and how many people. If we can work those days for all the details, then its for realz.

On the other hand, amazing parts of my family are coming out of facebook and talking to me. Its really quite intriguing. I thought I was the black sheep of the family but I am just one of the many people who can't deal with the perfect expectations that everyone seems to have of each other. Anyway, we will see what happens in that corner with time.

Annie is coming!I'm happy about that. Majoka MD from the Caribbean will grace us with her high praised sparkling company. She will leave no one without a charm or gasp. She will show love and interest towards everyone. Hopefully she will have plenty of stories that I can listen to. She is among my besties.

So eventually, we will end the night with many hands to hold us and help us.

Oh and we found an engagement ring. Yet that tradition is something we are finagling around with at the moment. I understand the tradition of the engagement ring is to "win" over the girl with a big stone. That makes no sense to me, because you can have cash flowing out of your ears but if you are not interesting to me, you won't remain very long in my memory or in life unfortunately. The wedding means a lot more to me, showing your love and whatnot. So, I actually picked a ring that is technically a band for an engagement ring. We are gonna find a ring ring for the wedding that will be different and more like an engagement ring. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else but I was explaining why I wanted to do that to Matthew yesterday and he understood, even if I am not making much sense now. Hopefully I'll make sense better tomorrow. I also found a potential wedding band I want to get Matthew.

Anyway, I have work tomorrow. I should go to sleep. I am going to think about engagement party some more. Make sure I check my list and make more lists.

I also finally got all my freakin financial aid stuff into MCC. Hopefully they will process my application faster. I can register for classes and start working on this nursing thing. I know I am insane but I enjoy life when its filled 40-60 hours a week with work, internship, schools, planning for wedding, and good people. Somewhere in there I can sleep and eat,which both are overrated. It will all work out, god willing

So I don't know who I want to be in the wedding party. Matthew knows who he wants and they seem to be easily accessible. I'm a bit frustrated by that. I know who I would potentially want but they can't make it to the engagement party because they live more than 3 hours away. I wanted to the engagement party to be the people I wanted in the wedding party. Its so frustrating. Why do my friends have to be everyone in the world. I guess I should take that as a token of being interesting.

I don't even know if Im okay with all the people Matthew is choosing for the wedding party. Well I don't hate them and I don't really have any problems with any one of them. Actually I do have a problem with one of them and I don't know how to even go about saying anything about that person. I feel like that bitchy girlfriend who doesn't get along with your old friends because they were the old you. Grumble.

I really want to feel supported in this wedding but I don't feel very close to anyone I know in the area. The people I do know I am not really that close with. The annoying thing is, once I announced on facebook that I was engaged, I've had the most random people from the woodwork come out and make a presence in my life, asking questions, wanting to hang out, showing an interest. I don't know how to feel about that besides frustrated because I don't know if I can trust these people enough to help me out. I feel a bit used. I feel like I wasted a year or two on people I couldn't trust and now they are gone. I tried to convince other people to be more of a presence in my life and one or two have but the rest are still at the distance they were a year ago. I feel so alone which is ironic since I am getting married.

Overall I think I am frustrated because this whole thing is about expressing love and inviting the world. Yet the world I knew for most of my childhood is probably not going to come and I feel like I am going to be in a parade to show that family doesn't exist as it may for everyone. I feel like I should learn to overcome the overwhelming embarrassment and frustration now. On top of that, I have tried so hard with friends but I still don't feel like I matter enough or can trust some of them enough to care or even help me out.

Well, we are having this engagement party on Saturday. I'll just have to figure out who I want to invite and see if they come. If the don't, I guess its just wise now because I'll know that they don't plan on them helping me out. I know it sounds like thats kinna unlucky for them but I don't want to have to make people do anything while planning a wedding, going to school, working, and trying to build relations back up with my family.

God willing everything will work out for the best.

So we are booking the caterers tonight. We got tables and chairs reserved. We got table clothes, paper utensils and plates and cups. We are inviting people slowly. My family unfortunately will not make, may be my grandfather.

We still have to buy drinks, but I plan on doing that the friday or saturday morning. I also have to get salad fixins and fruit salad stuff and cake.

Oh yea, we also have to find a ring, you know the being engage thing.

I made a wedding site thing from one of those free wedding site things. its in my facebook profile, if you want to see it develop. Its meager right now. I have to find a picture of us that is most recent, you know with current Matthew's hair cut pictures.

I'm so lazy. I don't want to work on anything that has to do with the wedding.

:)

Alot has happened since the last time I updated which shouldn't be a surprise since I don't write very often on LJ or any other blogging site.

I'm engaged. Its awesome. Matthew asked me on 4th of July weekend. I acutally ended up saying no at first but it was because I was ranting and he just popped the question and I was like no, you can't do that now! It was funny at the time. It was cool because you know there were fireworks, everywhere!

We are planning an engagment party for the 15th. We are mostly trying to get people we want to be in the wedding party and be like "Help, we don't know what we want to do for the wedding". Its been crazy trying to plan that with trying to find caterers that overpriced or think they can just multiply the prices on the menu because they think people come to restaurants only for the food. Last I remembered there was service and atmosphere that was not like my home. It looks like we will have to go with Indian. Greek, Italian, and other caterers weren't very cheap. I'm sad a bit about that but I don't mind the place we are getting food catered from.

Now, I am trying to get my family to be involved and not stubborn. I am having very limited success but there is progress. I talked to my grandfather from canada last night. He was awesome. He told me to be courageous and that I am not doing anything wrong. I hope he can make it to the engagment party. If not, I think we will have to take a trip up there.

I am also going back to school for nursing. Technically, I am going back to get pre-req courses for entering into nursing school. I am really excited. I'm having a bit of difficulty trying to get MCC to gather all my stuff and help me get into these classes. I forgot how much of a hassle the bureacratic systems of colleges can be at time.

We are also trying to fill the space of our amazing new apartment. I like the space but I know I can fill it with so much. Maybe wedding registry will help in that. :-P

Anyway, I need to get back to work.

Lately, I've been missing lots of people. This isn't one of those depressing posts, I promise. This post is more like a growth in my social world.

Random things remind me of people who are no longer in a distance that I can grab them to be in front of me. I keep finding myself saying "If only that person were here, I would do thing A, B, and C with them." I know people make me go from day to day but I am only learning how much that is true.

I have been in Rochester for all of my conscious existence. I have gotten use to people coming and going from here. I enjoy their company for the time that they were here. I end up missing them so much when they leave. I use to go through this process of keeping busy after a good friend departed but now I just let it sink in. I want to feel their presence imprinted on my memory. I try to figure what kind of friend I want and what kind of friend I want to be to others.

The greatest thing from all of those people coming and going is that I am not afraid of losing people or the prospect of making new friends. I have actually let it set that there are 6 Billion people on this planet and there will always be new people. I know that the old people will never be replaced. It is nice knowing that I will never be truly alone.

Feelings of loneliness are far and between lately. I am very happy with that, especially because I have had to say good bye to so many people in the past few weeks. I am glad that I have resolved this feeling of abandonment. I feel a stronger hope for fixing things with my family. I feel like I can genuinely say I am happy that you are pursuing something that will make you happier, even if it means you have to leave. It was something I wanted to say sincerely but I couldn't say that big of lie to a friend's face. Yet, now I can. I feel like paths seem to eventually cross, so its not so terrifying anymore.

I guess this is what you call growing up.

Last Night was amazing. I had good food, my favorite: Lamb. I saw both faces I never see and faces I see everyday. I thought I was going to have a stressful time, yet I never imagined it could go any better.

I also learned about Bowling. I learned how to play on the Wii which I know is not the real thing but its a start. I kicked ass. hehe

Also, watched The Whole Nine Yards. I forgot how amazing it was.

In general, things went really well.

I was scared that I wasn't going to have a good time for many different reasons. Some external and other internal. I am glad that I decided to go.

(Happy Belated Birthday Mama, I was thinking about you all day yesterday. I hope my absence did not inhibit you from having fun on your birthday. I love you)

I don't mean to be ignorant or act like I am well beyond my years. Have you ever known someone was not doing well and you wanted to help them but you knew they wouldn't appreciate it or even accept it? Well that is my current dilemma. I know they won't accept it. They probably won't even want to even accept that I could, of all things, care for them.

As you can probably tell my many posts about feelings of hope and despair from losing people, I am not one to easily forget and move on. I appreciate and value people, even if they hate me or even if they hurt me. In the end, I would rather trust someone who has hurt me than a complete stranger. When I think about it, I feel like there is a hope still associated with being hurt. There is a hope that things will get better. For awhile, I was convinced it would be easier to rely on a stranger than the person who considers you their mortal enemy. If you know a person long enough, you find out that they change with experience and perspective.

So, my long drawn out situational question is as follow: If somehow I find out that someone is not doing well and I can think of easily 5 things (*good things, not getting smashed,etc) that I can do to make them feel better (*note: feel better,not fix their problems) and they will not even allow me to contact them because I am perceived as the worst person in the world, what do I do?

Let's think.
I can contact people who they are friends with and tell them to go help them in ways that I can not. Yet, I can only assume that they are still friends with these people that they once were friends with. There is also the chance that they do not feel as closely with these people as they once did. I know I have that current problem.

I could send an anonymous gift that would make them feel better. See that would work if I knew where they lived now. Well, that won't work either. I could send it to the old address and hope it will safely get to the rightful owner.

I could call and apologize for my wrong doings and hope they will listen. Yet, I doubt they will even pick up their phone. As I have learned, people seem to have trouble with forgiveness, when they probably wish for the same forgiveness on their actions. I really don't know how this will work. On the same note, I can write a letter but I don't think that will work either.

I could and probably should stop allowing the said subject's life matters surface in places that are so common to my eyes. I thought it wouldn't be a problem because I thought I could practice restraint and indifference. I should know better. When have I ever been good and that?

Maybe I should just move on. Dwelling on the past is depressing. My intent should just stay with me and higher beings. Action feels pointless now.

So, I can't fall back asleep after a very colorful dream.  I thought I would share it.  It is quite humorous.   After the presidential debate, Matthew and I watched LOST.  We are a bit obsessed with the show.  Then, Matthew wanted to get some work done and I fell asleep.

I had a dream about being on the same island as in LOST.  My friend Alli was there.  She said that I needed to have this baby.  I was like "Huh? Baby?".  Then I look down and I am big and pregnant.  I am more amazed by the fact that I can not reach my hands around my belly to touch my bellybutton than by the idea that I randomly became that pregnant.  So, then I am in a group of people asking each other when is congress going to give us money to solve all our problems.  Someone comes in and says "oh wait, McCain is coming with the money right now." And everyone is wondering how much money it is.  Eventually we find it out it is 50 million dollars.  Then, everyone goes "Its only $50 million?!".  I ask why that isn't enough and they says that isn't enough to build a hospital for me to have the baby, so I will have to keep it inside of me forever.  Supposedly, we are playing a weird version of monopoly or life where we know that hospitals cost 3 trillion dollars. How I know that is just random.  McCain comes with handfuls of money.  I randomly see Obama in a parachute that is floating upwards and all like "C ya!".  McCain is all like this all we can get from the stocks.

Matthew happens to be on this island with me.  And he has the disposition that I predict he will have when I do really become pregnant.  It is the same disposition he has when I am really whiny and annoying- the I have to love you in this situation because right now you are too bitchy for anyone to deal with and if I don't love you then you will never feel better.  Maybe that isn't what he is thinking but I can feel this small feeling of frustration in his voice when I am in that mood and I get the distinct feeling that if he didn't have to be with me then he wouldn't.  Anyway, I don't think I am in that particular mood all to often, at least I hope not.  And I got side tracked.  Back to the dream... I am with Matthew in his annoyed mood while I am pregnant and frustrated about being big.  He decides that we need to go to a bar.  I am really thirsty and want water.  I keep bugging him for water.  Then, the bartender, who is the bartender in Grey's Anatomy, gives us a shot of whiskey and a cup of ice water.  Matthew takes the ice water and inhales all of it except a drop.  I start railing at him for being a fish, drinking all the ice water, and how there isn't enough money for him to drink all the fresh water on the island.  Then, we meet up with friends, except that they are TV characters.  There was the mayor from Spin City, the lady from Cold Case, House MD , and my other real friends like Zach, Linzie, and Alli.  They wanted to come over to my tent and chill out for the night.  I was snappy but was willing to have them over.  I pulled out blankets and the millions of pillows we have in our apartment.  And told them to help themselves with bedding arrangements because I was too big to move around.

Then the next morning, we are randomly meeting with Matthew's mom.  We told her that we went out to the bar the night before.  She was like I hope you didn't drink in your conditions.  I was angry in a defensive manner, which I have never been around matthew's mom.  I was like, "I didn't want to go to the bar.  Matthew wanted to go.  I didn't drink.  I only had water.  Well, a sip of water because Matthew drank the lake."

So, then I remember it raining but not raining on us.  Then I think I woke up because I heard Matthew open the back patio door and playing in the rain, like you do.  I vaguely remember asking in my half sleepliness what he was doing.  And then fell back asleep.  I was back in the rainforest.  It was not raining anymore but then I remember running away with the Alex from LOST.  I don't remember if I was still pregnant.  But then I woke up for real because Matthew plopped on the bed with his body weight.  I told him my weird dream and could not stop laughing.  As I was telling him the story, I had the song "This is the ultimate showdown" stuck in my head.  So, now I am awake and giggly.  I thought I would share my crazy subconscious with you in hopes that I would get exhausted again and fall asleep once more in order subject myself to my wild dreams. 

From: http://oncloud4.blogspot.com/

So I have had the most intense moments the past couple of days. They were not emotionally intense but random strong desires that overcame me. I had a really weird OCD moment on Sunday night where I needed to clean everything. I could not stop. At one point, I found myself on my hands and knees scrubbing down our kitchen floor. Everything felt disgusting in our apartment. It probably was not as bad I make it out to be but it was just unbearable at the time. Somehow, Matthew managed to get involved and was cleaning with me. It made me feel good in a very 60s housewife kind of way. It made me feel even better that Matthew is crazy enough to join me in my OCD moments and then make us food after the 4 hour clean session.

Yesterday, I must have felt the exhaustion of the weekend from running around doing errands and OCD cleaning. I could not move. I did not want to respond to anything. Matthew came home and he just crawled into bed without questioning why I was still there. It was nice not having to constantly explain myself and just be comforted. I think I was so overwhelmed by a couple of different things going on in my life and I just wanted to allow the gravity of various situations to hit me. I realize over the many dramas in my life that if I do not allow the emotions of those dramas overcome me, I will never find a solution or know what I really want from them. I know if I don't allow myself to just veg every once in a while, I find myself getting absolutely frustrated with the most frivolous things. The last thing I need is to create more problems.

I have been trying to be more open and honest in order to prevent mishaps and other emotionally unneeded complications in my life. At this point, I don't think dwelling on old problems will solve anything. I came to the realization that I have plenty of problems now that I need to solve. I feel I have gained alot of perspective in dealing with people who just plainly do not want to resolve anything and can not forgive.

I also have been really proactive lately. I know I can be more proactive but sometimes I do not have all the energy in the world. I try my best. That is all anyone can be asked to do.

Anyway I am hoping things will look up in the next couple of weeks. I need some major changes to come through for many different reasons. I am trying my best to push for them. Yet, it seems like I am not the most fortunate person but it could be worse.

Anyway, I am going go make egg salad sandwiches.

Comment and I'll give you a letter; then you have to list ten things you LOVE that begin with that letter. Afterward, post this in your journal and give out some letters of your own. Robyn has given me "H"....
1. Henna
2. Holidays
3. Halva (yum yum)
4. Home- where the heart is...(i am so corny)
5. Hammocks
6. Hot cooked food...
7. Hangings- like tapestries, bead/string door thingy, plants, etc
8. Hugs!!
9.  Humans- they're pretty awesome
10. Hypertruth (hehe, inside joke, "faster than the speed of truth")

So, I am trying really hard to chill out. I am in this annoying transitional wait period. I can not figure out how to think or what to be besides distracted. Yet, it is hard to remain constantly distracted because well it means important decision making time. I am trying not to be hasty or cocky. I am trying to be logical and rational (eww). I am trying not to be spontaneous and immense. I am trying to be calm and coherent (eww). I know in the end, everything will be alright. At least, Matthew has this freelance gig thing going, so we are all set for at least November. Yet, I always feel like I have to panic about the future. I know the future is not here but still. You start thinking about the little things in the future and it all is so much. Overwhelming.

Anyway, I have interviews for jobs everywhere. I accepted a position but am not really excited about it. I am hoping for two other positions to come through. I feel like I screwed up one of those interviews for a position I wanted to come through. I don't really know.

Positive thoughts require me to be hopeful and make me believe that I will receive offers for all or most of those jobs. Mmmmm...never going to happen. Negative thoughts require me to believe that I will not get a single offer and will suck at this job that I already accept. Incompetence is easier to believe. At least when I am competent, it will be an interesting surprise.

Ramadan is half way over and it is making me really sleepy, all day long. Yet, the evenings are super productive. I have been watching lots of movies and TV to distract myself. Cooking has been very relaxing, oddly enough. A good distraction.

Ok, off to another interview. Job Hunting is so much fun for your self-esteem.

Sometimes even in the worst of circumstances, something good can be found and give all the strength in the world to keep on going. I had a very humbling experience, something I really needed. Something that hasn't been alloted to me by anyone in a very a long time. Well, probably not anyone but by many people that mattered to me. I can not be more thankful because it gives me faith that not everyone is going to merciless and that I am afforded the options to learn from mistakes.

Civility is sometimes the biggest blessing you can get from the world. I can only pray that with time, there will be more civility in my life. Sometimes when everything becomes chaotic, you forget to be human and you need a reminder. That remainder is so wonderful. It gives me hope.

It is really interesting that I got this refreshing outlook, so unexpectedly. The other day there was conversations with friends on volunteering. Those talks reminded me that I have lost a positive outlook, or a better perspective. I have been striving that I need to work in order to be anything. I was expecting to find civility again through discovering jobs, internships, or volunteer opportunities in the community. I have made all these plans and worked to figure all of that out. Yet, I must say it is so much better when someone else gives you some insight, some hope, some prayer, and a little appreciation when you were expecting to only be met with hate and anger.

It is so weird because I feel the small feeling of helplessness, which I can not rationalize or understand. I feel like I should do something more but any situation that does allow me to do more will hurt more. So time is going to let things work itself out now.

I watch the TV show House MD today to chill out from a crazy day. I have gotten Matthew hooked on the show. I love medical dramas. Anyway, there was an interesting line in the episode that should pertain to the world. It was something along the lines of the world would be a better place if we all acted like our mothers were looking over our shoulders. If only...

I think I am going to try to expend more energy in trying to find the good things and not the bad things. I feel like I have become fixated on the little things that bother me, craving better. I think it will be best if I be a little more thankful for what I have.

Like today, I had good people visit me as I was bored in the Hookah Lounge, which was eerily empty. I wonder what was going on today that there was no appearances. There are millions of speculations that could be made, July 4th weekend, concert in the city(?), ummm...okay maybe not a million but a few. It was fun to henna Nick and Linzie. I did a really cool design on Linzie's leg. It was keeping me calm from conversations about topics of my particular dislike. I hope I see Linzie again soon because I really wanted to take a picture of the design. It was awesome because we went to Wegman's afterwards. We bought the materials to make Taco Salad. I had been craving Taco Salad for about a month. Yum Yum.

So, this week is going to be immensely crazy. It involves lots of travel to figure out what will happen to Matthew and I at the end of the summer. We have to go to Buffalo, Toronto, and NYC. We have to go check out various schools that we have both been accepted to and jobs that Matthew wants to dish out. I think after all of that, I will follow up on local jobs at CP Rochester and other non-profit organizations. I revised my mushy resume and talked to more people about how they got their jobs. Basically, its either how hard you work at getting the job or the people you know. You have be really "Proactive" in getting the job of your dreams.

Planning lives are so difficult. Can I just sit and read all day? I have been enjoying that lately. Partly because I refuse to get cable television, partly because I have all this books piled up to read, partly because I haven't read for fun in a really long time.

Anyway, I realize that again I have been up all night. I have been doing that alot lately. I need to change that around so I can travel at appropriate hours. So good night world.

from: http://oncloud4.blogspot.com/

So I have decided to have random blogs everywhere...ohhHHHHHHHhhhhh

I have been bored out of mind since I graduated. Well not completely out of my mind. I have started reading for fun again. Its nice being able to do that. Recommendations are highly welcomed since I seem to be going through books like I go through clothes. I have made applied for random jobs that are applicable to my career aspirations. I am starting to miss working at the lab.

I have been cooking alot more. College never really gave me opportune moments to cook, partly because I am really fickle about my cooking space. I have been experimenting, with much success. If anyone wants curry or a random meal, you are more than welcome to come over. Yumm Yumm.

I have been diving head deep into this starting of a Henna business. Its awesome. I am meeting other henna artists and realizing that its become a new fad that everyone seems to be taking up as a hobby or what not. Its interesting that I am finding that I have been doing this alot longer than any one else I have met thus far. I got a regular gig at the Hookah Lounge. Its always a ton of fun. I have hennafied my hands and Matthew's hands like crazy. I like to practice.

The only other thing is I feel plagued by other miserable thoughts but I think they have arised because I have free time. And from my history of knowing myself, which I have realized is not as long as I think, I have found that I can not deal with free time very well. I am one of those people that needs to be doing something, talking with someone, socializing, accomplishing, whatnot all the time. I may complain some of the time that I don't have to chill out. But I feel stimulated to possibilities, hope, and all that nice stuff. Then I do not find myself frustrated or fixated on past horrible crisis that I wish I could fix right now. Most of those horrible past crisis things usually all require time to heal everything and maybe civil conversations in the future at a more level headed date will work.

Anyway. Boredom, Reading for Fun, Applying for possible dream jobs, Lots of Cooking=Lots of food, Hennafications everywhere, dealing free time by finding ways to fill it...yes that is what is going on. And oh yea...Loving it in my new place :)

It is easy to move on and forget. You decide that you have it, enough. You can’t do this cyclical motion and the boredom needs to be avoided now. Or you can not deal with this sudden pain, the shock of it all. You say forget it. You say, I want something better, I want something new, something fresh. You let go of all those old associations, those that fueled that pain. Now what?
A new slate to fill. You actually have to move on now. You have erased those other things that gave some sort of meaning to your existence. That made you feel complete in some way. That noun feeds that desire or need. You have to actually move on, find other things to fill that void that you decided to create because we always need more, what we have is never enough. We think we will eventually find that enough, but instead we destroy those things we have, so we can have more, believing that enough will occur.
We shut those that that say they need us, because we think that something that easy is not worth it. We don’t let people in when they say, “Let me in”. Then we chase after those that refuse our desires and share our lives to them in a very public village idiot way. We are so trusting, in the most risky ways. We reveal ourselves to those that don’t care but do not to those that do. We humans are fickle creatures.
The worst part is when we destroy everything. After we destroy everything, we realize that there is nothing. Then we go into our creative souls and fill it. Sometimes it’s easy; we are light hearted, open, content, and completely intrigued by the possibilities. Other times, we are so frightened at what we have done. We have been taught that destroying things lead to horrible things. We shouldn’t ever destroy things, because our lives are not just ours. We share it with other that love us, and the shock of the destruction will hit them. Then we sit and shake and panic and then try to breath again. After they have regained the ability to continue with normal bodily functions, we search for something to fill it. We find people, addictions, tendencies, games, odd social situations, etc. Yet, now we have to chose how to fill that slate. Sometime the hardest part is finding enough things to fill that slate. Other times, it is finding too many things and having to chose. Yet this cycle never ends.
I am stuck, not in repeating this cycle. I am stuck because I can not fill this slate. I have destroyed my family, my previous social ties, my job, my school. Now I am trying to find things to do, places to go to meet people, to adopt family members, to find more people to love, to find more accomplishments to fill my sense of existence, to find new things to learn. I have many dreams, hopes, desires, etc. Yet, I don’t know where to go next. What place to go to. How to meet new people in this world. I haven’t been taught how to meet new people, I just did. Right? I don’t know how to make family, not the biological family, the family you just love because they are there. Well if they were just there, then it would be really easy to just love them, right? I have dreams to learn lots of things, to become lots of things, I don’t know where to start. I really want to do these dreams.
I still want to do medicine. Yet, I do not think I am good enough. I feel like I will fail a million times before I succeed. I want to learn to play a string instrument. I don’t know which one. Strings are gorgeous. I want to build a house. I want to make a wedding dress. I want to make shoes. I want to make my own business. I want to have children with Matthew and watch him suffocate them with his big loving heart. I want our children to sleep in our bed, curl up against us with such comfortability and ease. I want to hear them have giggle fits everyday. I still want to work in a non-profit organization, to see how it is possible to take care of strangers. I want to have a crazy wedding with Matthew and watch him smile. I want to write a crazy book about a desi girl in the west and make her the new hero of the western world. I want to read until my eyes fall out and then read some more.
Blogs are interesting because they make you splurge you thoughts. I started this because I had an interesting conversation today with Matthew about how I feel socially inept right now. The past two years I felt I was at a place where I could be spontaneous or outgoing. I am slowly coming around. Yet, I feel like I have lost my social niche here. Its unfortunately. Yet, its due to the social ties I have broken and the conversation going on about me. I want to leave this city so bad. Find a niche, and fill that slate that I fear to fill. I want to be able to fulfill all those dreams and desires I have listed previously. I write to keep be sane right now. Yet, I feel like no amount of writing can stop this downward spiral. I have been trying to prevent it for a really long time. I finally pointed out what it is that is preventing me from accomplishing, from succeeding, from being happy. I thought it was the lack of support, that is only part of the problem. I can’t seem to get myself to reach out because I feel like I am so lost and so displaced that the only way to fix it is to displace me physically. To make my mind and body be displace simultaneously. It will only help to recover from the shock faster. I don’t like being in this inbetween area. I try so hard to reach out. Yet, it feels like more times I am rejected than accepted. I want to find comfort in acceptance.
Comfort in acceptance is what we all strive for. I haven’t had enough of it. I have fought for it for so long. I have lost it so many time over. Acceptance is what give people the ability to grow, to move on, to fill that slate. I need to move to another city to do that.
There are opportunities for that to occur, and I will surely make more.

When I awoke today, I didn't feel like getting out of bed. Partly, because I didn't sleep so well due to my violent fits of coughing at random intervals of the evening. Also, because I went to bed thinking I should post about a particular topic and then realizing that there is no one in particular that reads my blogs. So who am I writing for? I used to blog on a constant basis in high school and freshman year of college. Then I pushed away from it because I felt that it was fueling my pessimism and hatred towards certain people, desires, and a complete lose of ambition and motivation. Sometimes, People were commenting and showing that they cared for this total downward spiral I was display. Yet, it was not that often. Those comments never went anywhere beyond being just comments. Other times I felt I was chasing after high school friends to remain in my life. But there are those certain people who definitely do no care about you and probably think you are the worst person to befriend ever. Especially, when they refuse to tell you why or give you a chance. So, you make assumptions that there is nothing likeable about you at all. I know, I sound depressing and pessimistic again.

I added everyone from livejournal onto my google reader thing, so I can read their blogs regularly. I will have to do the same for other blogging websites that people have adopted, made me get an account, and post so that they can know what was going on in my life at one point or another. That was so long ago. Now, I feel like no one really cares for the words I write. No one is really obsessed with my condition or my existence from day to day. People who really want to know about me usually find a way to be in the same room as me. Yet, that doesn’t happen very often. It feels like no one wants to be my friend. I don’t know what I did. Maybe it is because I betrayed a best friend for 10 minutes late one night. Or maybe its because I left the ones I loved most for another loved one. I feel like I have gone through so much shit, and in the end I am still alone. I know I am not completely alone. I have a wonderful boyfriend who takes care of me, loves me unconditionally, and who respects me. Yet, no one else exists.
Maybe I am writing for myself. I am not a real writer but I like to pretend I am sometimes. Write intricate prose about the world through my eyes. I guess that is why these blogging sites were created. I really wish I had more interesting people in my life. I wish I could have more interesting conversation in my life. I miss school. So many people in a one area to find, talk to, relate to, and enjoy existence.
I feel like I need to push for that more. I need employment again. Last night, Matthew and I went towards the South Wedge. We had heard a lot about that area. We found 3 small coffee houses, all had really cool decorations, Wifi, interesting people, and other events that occurred during the week. We also found a wine bar. I think that is perfect for us. We both like wine occasionally. Sometimes we don’t want a bottle, so it would be perfect to go there and just have a cup and enjoy the weather or the ambiance depending on where we sit. We also found a cute like mini-market. It had a limited supply of fruits, vegetables, and other foods. It also had a little sandwich stand, where they make sandwiches for you and you can sit to eat your food. We heard about a farmer’s market that is every Thursdays. Today, I went to the farmer’s market. It was small with mostly local organic growers. I bought bread, a cucumber, and a cookie. They had strawberries but they were expensive.
I really want to go down to the public market again this Saturday. Hopefully, this time the weather will be cooperative and their will be more variety in produce. I want more vegetables to cook and eat. We are finding lots of fruits now. They are all coming into season.
I have been exercising more. I have been eating healthier. I just need something more regular in my life. A consistent group of events like classes, a job, a regiment, or something. I am working on that.

So, the drunken post. I have no idea if I have ever done a drunken post or drunken phone calls or drunken anythings. I am not a prune and I have not decided to stick to my underaged ways, not that I am underaged. Been 21 for a whole *counts on phalanges*, 7 months I believe. I such an amazing lightweight. I like me drunk. I think you would do. My soul feels claustrophobic and I constantly desire the outdoors. It is amazingly hard to type. Did you know we have jam…Matthew of the Dreitlein variety has just informed me. So, what was I saying, no not the jam, oh yea.
My soul feels claustrophobic. I constantly desire the outdoors. It is mildly horrible when you where nothing and run outside without shoes. Well, it’s wonderful out. It has not felt this cool and calm before. It is always hot, humid, and stall.
So I am a lightweight. Figured! I had three things of Mike’s Hard Lemonade while watching The Other Boleyn Girl. It was a horrible movie. Sanctioned powerful adultery, rape, miscarriages, betrayal, and all those things that make movies so good and life so horrible. I feel like I am so much more capable of being poetic and amazing at life when I am in this state. I don’t know if it the drunken state or the happy drunken state that I get whenever I celebrate. Oh yes, I am celebrating, I think? I did my first henna night at the Hookah Lounge. It went fabulous. My soul remained in tact with the ability to amazing designs, all because of my design book. It was really cool. I made quite a sum.
Did you know that I was OCD about spelling? My mother stressed that spelling was so important. She would sit with me every evening and help me with my spelling. It was crazy back then, but I guess its good now. It makes writing papers and blogs much easier.
So its early. We, meaning Matthew and I, have many things to do in the day. I really like this state of existence. This happiness felt like a foreign object and I know it sounds induced but I think it has been here all along. I just could never express it or remember to show it to the world. I really am thankful for everything I have. No matter how much pain I feel for all the tragedy I have had to endure during the past almost four years. I only hope this happiness continues, and that I continue to have the luck I have thus far.
I only hope that those who do see me as unfit or unworthy of their time, understand that their judgement is only going to harm them, not help them. I only hope those that are fearful of my presence or the ones I love in my in life’s presence to give them the strength to see that fear is unwarranted, and that there is better good in alliances than striving for stubborn existences alone. This makes absolutely no sense to anyone reading. I am talking about my family, I am talking about past friends who have left my side, I am talking about present friends who do not feel security in my presence. I want them to understand that I will always forgive, I will always compromise to love, I will always help, I will always be there for them in any manner, even if those conditions are not there for me.
So bohemian…
Our hearts are so much fuller, when we have lost and found the desire to only love everyone.
I wish I could surround myself in those people that found a passion to throw me out of their lives due to some pain I know I have caused them. I wish they would just once give me a chance to help them see that they do not have to shut me out of fear of bringing them more pain. I don’t know how to make the same mistakes again. I don’t know how to hurt them again. Yet, I hope they will still respect me. I hope that they will not make me fall to their feet and beg for their mercy. I know that sounds like pride but it’s the ability to maintain a relationship based on equal ground with the understanding that mistakes happened and will always happen in relationships and they are no reason to falter.
I feel like I sound like an imam or some other religious leader. If an imam was reading this, he would be disgraced by other events in my life, few of which have been elucidated clearly in this blog. Other which he would have to enter my home to witness. I would immediately be deemed a non-muslim. No matter how much I do believe its teachings. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe an imam would see that it does not matter your religion. All must learn to live together in harmony and happiness. Words the begin with the letter, H, are amazing. Happiness, Harmony, Holy, Heaven, and Hat.
I hear birds chirping, I think that is my sign to resign to the region I have deems fit for slumber in the dark hours and few of the light hours. I feel like I am displaying some of that Dreitlein humor. Maybe I am now fit to be a Dreitlein, if that is ever meant to happen. I feel like I am in some in between place, I forgot what the Christians call it. I tried to just google it and my mind was not keeping up with the results. I am starting feel sluggish. I think that is sign that my mind has vomited all those thoughts that are careening in a million directions at once in order to escape and be understood by another. Yet, it will have to be satisfied with an online blog that probably very few people read.
Anyway, shaba khar (until morning in urdu).
Love,
My Drunken counterpart.
P.S. This was fun, we should do this more often. Have my people talk to your people…